Marriage and Depression - "Is there anything I can do to help?"
Yesterday I began to address the topic of 'marriage and depression'. I almost hesitate to tell you the things my husband does for me for fear it will paint a picture of a perfect husband, which he is not.
No one has a perfect husband or a perfect marriage. What my husband does have going for him is that he wants to try. He has one failed marriage behind him and he doesn't want another. He loves me and wants to do whatever he can to help. The children are grown, he is retired and so he is in a position to be helpful.
First he had to learn that if I wanted to be alone, it had nothing to do with him - it wasn't personal! That was particularly important for us to make clear, since, as I said, we have each got a failed marriage behind us. Once he got that through his head, he was able to ask 'what can I do for you?'
My answer to that was 'just asking what you can do, is help enough. Knowing that you are there if I need you is great comfort. But for now I guess you can just leave me alone'. It took us a long time to reach this stage. It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty that I can't be more of a fun partner, to stop feeling like I was neglecting my husband.
The first step in dealing with the effects of marriage and depression and how to keep the marriage strong despite the depression is to accept the condition. For me I needed to realize that it wasn't my fault that I am not the dream wife. It is not my fault that I am the way I am.
That being said however, it is important for the marriage that each partner do whatever they can to understand the condition more, and get as much outside help as possible.
It would add further damage to this marriage if I was unwilling to get all the help I can.
This is just the beginning of a discussion about marriage and depression. More next time..
What about you? Is there something that you could do for your partner that they would appreciate? Is there something they could do for you that they will not know about unless you tell them?
For a dose of laughter medicine click here.
May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!
Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love
7 comments:
Dear Wendy,
My husband and I married a bit late in our lives (I was in my mid thirties, he was in his late forties), but neither of us had been married before.
When I was diagnosed, our son was four years old. For a decade, medication so worsened my condition that it made me both physically ill, and changed my behavioral patterns.
My husband was a saint. He was working full-time and yet, did everything humanly possible to help me and our son so that we could maintain as much "normalcy" in our household as humanly possible. I will always be grateful to him.
What I brought to the table was a total commitment to attaining wellness. I never gave up. I pursued any and every wellness possibility that made sense. I kept detailed mood charts, studied medication, sought out alternative treatments, and so forth and so on.
And, I tried to maintain a positive attitude no matter how terrible I felt.
Sorry to be going on and on about this, but your post is near and dear to my heart! Thanks for writing about it.
Susan
Susan,
Thank you for sharing that part of your story. You were blessed to have such a husband, as you clearly realize. He was blessed that you persevered toward wellness. You both deserve credit. There is nothing more beautiful than a marriage when both are doing all that they can to keep each other healthy and happy.
Alone time is so important. I'm glad you two realize it--and your husband does sound like a great guy!
My husband and I have come through a very difficult few years. Last year at this time he almost died due to the main artery to his heart being almost completely shut down. I didn't realize he was physically shutting down and attributed his moods to depression. Even after his surgery it has taken most of this year for some of his normal humor and attitude to begin returning. On top of all this we've had lots of other stresses to deal with. I think God has been very gracious with me to give me prayer warriors to walk with me through all of this. I am the emotional one in our family and tended to lean heavily upon my husband, so when he sort-of started disappearing from me it was really hard, but I had to learn to give my husband space to deal with life as he could and not let it feel so personal.
Being "willing to try" makes all the difference in the world!
Paula,
Thanks for dropping by. And thank you for sharing your story of heartache and courage and faith.
K.M.
Thanks for dropping in!
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