Romance and Depression

Are you wondering what I have to say about this topic? It probably isn't what you think....

This past week I saw a documentary on the business of romance novels. It was called "Who's Afraid of Happy Endings?" Apparently romance novels are big business! It was an interesting show. They interviewed very successful writers such as Nora Roberts, Debbie Macomber and Eloisa James. They talked to second string writers, as well as people on the business side who worked for the publishing companies.

As a would-be writer, I found it fascinating. The thing I found even more fascinating however, was how popular romance novels apparently are. They made it sound like they are practically medicinal for women. It seems that women find them the best escape ever!

So, my suggestion to you is, that if you haven't already tried it, maybe read a romance novel for a little escape from your depression. There may be another benefit from reading a romance novel for the depression sufferer as well. I will chat with you about that next time.

May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

What to do First?

When I begin to feel good after a depressive episode, I want to do EVERYTHING I haven't been doing for awhile. But I can't. I have to take it slowly, and pace myself, which is the last thing I want to do.

So I begin with a wee bit of housework. Just enough to make things nice around the house. Then I will go for a walk. Walking is high in my list of favourites. I usually walk when I feel bad too, but I don't enjoy it so much. I might even walk twice in a day when I feel well.

I eat properly. I don't want anything to steal my joy and I try to stay away from sugars and fats, things that will (literally) weigh me down and challenge my body's ability to feel good.

I visit. Not everybody, but I visit somebody. Usually my daughters and grandchildren. I don't see anyone when I'm down and so as soon as I'm up I want to see everyone. But whether I feel good or bad, people tire me out, so I have to be selective.

I do stuff with my husband. I spend no time at all with him when I am down and he is patient and tolerant and understanding but when I feel better I like to plan something for us to do together.

I write, and I enjoy it. I may write for hours and hours, never running out of ideas.

I enjoy scenery. The sky is bluer and the grass is greener when you are not depressed.

I pray. I can actually concentrate on praying when I feel well. Depression is the one illness that affects your spiritual life because you can't think. It feels good to talk to God again. I miss him when I am depressed.

I live a broken life. Now you see me, now you don't. But I do like to make up for lost time when I am well again.

That is what I am doing today, being well again. I am celebrating life. Life goes on with or without me, but I am so thankful that today I can be part of it.

May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

Feeling Good...

When you live with bipolar disorder, there are two sides to your illness, the upside and the downside. The downside is obviously depression. The upside is manic. Manic feels good most of the time. Especially if you don't get too manic. I am thankful that I don't. The only thing I have to watch for is that when I do feel good, I can't allow myself to keep feeling better and better and better and better.

Feeling good can be the enemy as well. If I allow myself to get too high, I will crash right down to the bottom...again. The trouble is, that sometimes it is hard to know if I am actually mildly manic, or just feeling good.

The doctor said to me recently that anyone who is depressed is naturally pretty excited when they feel better. That is me right now, I am feeling better, so much better. I would like to think that I am just feeling 'normal', but.... in the back of my mind is this nagging thought "am I really feeling better or am I manic?"

For now I think I will just enjoy feeling good and try not to overthink it. Next time I will tell you the kinds of things I enjoy first when I start to feel good...again....

Next time I will share the kinds of things I like to do when I am no longer depressed.

May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

A 'Hope' List

Depression is an illness that has 'hopeless' written all over it. What sorts of things could give you hope in the midst of a depressive episode?

I talk to myself like this:

God got me through these bad times before and he will get me through again.
This won't last forever, it never does.
This is not the worst ever, I know what I have to do, stop everything and rest,I just wish I didn't have to do it.
Maybe I should find a new book about my condition.
Maybe I will talk to one of my friends who understands depression.
Maybe I will make a trip back to the doctor and talk to her about this. Sometimes she is able to put a slant on things that will give me renewed hope.
I will pick up my bible and read my favourite versese, the ones I have underlined.

Even if this kind of talk doesn't GIVE me hope, it might at least keep hopelessness from taking over. This is easier said than done but it is worth the effort. Make a list for yourself of ideas that will fight that hopelessness for you. Put the list somewhere that it won't get lost, such as in your bedside table drawer. Keep it handy!

I put my hopes in the Lord and in his word, the bible. In Isaiah 40:31 it says "...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Now that is a promise I can put my hopes in.

May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

"Once You Choose Hope, Anything's Possible"

Guess who said "once you choose hope, anything's possible"? Christopher Reeves said that. From most of the media coverage on his story, he chose hope, in the face of huge odds. What a difficult life he must have had, so difficult. But if you had a life with so many obstacles, wouldn't you rather live it with hope, than without hope?

Hope is a powerful thing. Dale Carnegie said "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

Orison Marden said "There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow."

Abraham Cowley said "Of all ills that one endures, hope is a cheap and universal cure."

Think about what gives you hope. Think about some things that you could say to yourself when your depression is bad, that would give you hope. Think about that and next time I will help you with a list.

May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

"Be Strong and Courageous!"

As I am surfacing once again from a dive into the deep dark waters of depression, I am reminded of the goodness of God.

One of my prayer supporters said that she prayed this verse for me this week from Deuteronomy 31:8

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...for the Lord, your God, goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you."

Each day she would pray that God would help me 'to be strong and courageous'. Some of the best inspirations for prayer come directly from scripture. I have heard people say that sometimes they don't know how to pray. Maybe using the bible for ideas would be a help.

Each time I hit a low point, I return to my 'helps' which would be my God, my bible, my praying friends, my research and my medical supporters. As 'hopeless' as I feel when I am depressed, I guess I never really give up hope even though I feel like it.

That is how powerful hope is. Hope is a strong and courageous thing. It takes strength and courage to continue to hope in the face of the reality of recurring illness, or any other trials.

Hope - I think we will chat about that for the next little while....

May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

Don't Give Up!

I have been following my own advice "Don't give up!"

My visit with my psychiatrist yesterday went much better than I expected. I shouldn't have been surprised because I had eight friends praying for me!

After I read her my history, she read it back to me from her own notes. There it was, right in my file, her own notes on the stuff I had just finished telling her. These notes were ones she made on our very first visit which was probably a time when I was fuzzy and not thinking clearly. So as it turns out, she IS on top of things. She asked all the right questions, way back then and she is as well informed of my situation as she could possibly be.

When I told her my thoughts on the medications she agreed! I couldn't believe it. The extra one I have just added recently, with terrible side effects, she told me to quit right away. (hooray!) The old mood stabilizer I have been on for two or three years, (which stabilizes me almost too much, taking away so much of my drive and interest in life) she told me to start decreasing and see if I can get back some of my good feelings. She suggested I not cut it out altogether, which is fine with me.

She leaned FORWARD in her seat as she listened to me and reviewed my diagnosis. I felt heard, I felt validated. I was shocked that she agreed with me. It is easy to think, when you are depressed and have lost so much ability to concentrate and to think straight, that you have lost it ALL! But that is simply not true. This last experience has reminded me that no matter how bad I get, deep down I am still the same person God created me to be (and so are you!). I still have some wisdom and discernment and all sorts of other good qualities. It is too easy to doubt ALL of your thinking when you suffer from this illness but that is not a good idea.

I have no illusions about how much better I am going to feel in the days ahead. But I have the hope that maybe, just maybe, this is a good step for now and I can get on with my life for awhile....

In the meantime I will have some withdrawal to go through. Withdrawal can be a nasty business sometimes. The new drug which I have only been on for a week, and only a small amount, will not cause much problems. But the old mood stabilizer has been in my system for awhile as I decrease it slowly, my body will find a way to tell me that it is experiencing change.

I have come out of this time with a new respect for my doctor and a renewed respect for my own ability to discern what is best for me. One of the things depression can take away from you is your self-confidence, and when you can think straight sometimes, you figure 'what do I know... I am sick....' But don't fall into that pit of thinking. Depression is a great thief which seems to steal a lot of what we are. But deep down inside you are still the person God created you to be and you still have a lot of life left in you.

May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

Try Again!

As I continue to navigate the mirky waters of a new medication, I am questioning the purpose of the medication and wondering whether it is all worth it. There is evidence to support handling bipolar with medication and without medication. I guess it all depends on your point of view.

The latest medication has some side effects I am not willing to tolerate and so I am off to see my psychiatrist tomorrow to talk to her about it. I don't have the best relationship with her. She is nice enough and smart enough and according to my family doctor, she really knows her stuff.

But she doesn't know me that well, and most of the time I can't be bothered filling her in. But tomorrow I am going to ask her to listen to me for ten minutes while I review my story with her. She has only been treating me for two years and really doesn't know me.

Now of course she believes that meds must be part of the treatment plan. That is what she has studied for and that is what she knows. But I sure have been reading a lot of stuff lately about people who handle their mental illness quite successfully without medication.

What I have found is that I have to 'manage' this illness all the time whether I like it or not. It takes constant supervision, and that is with medication. I cannot help but wonder "so, what is the medication really doing anyways?"

Maybe I am way off in my thinking, but I would just like the chance to try to live a medication free life for a little while. But I do not want to do it foolishly, without a doctor's supervision.

I will continue to post on this subject. Maybe we can learn something together.

May dipsy doodling around depression
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

Still Learning...

One of the things I tend to do every time I hit a bump in this depression road is to do some more research. My motivation is to get answers to questions such as:

"Am I really bipolar?"
"Is medication really necessary?"
"Is there something I have missed, something that I could be doing that could make a difference?"
"Are these drugs and their side effects worth it, was I better off without drugs?"

You get the idea. Everytime I try to learn something new, I do just that. I learn something new. Just learning is a bit of a high for me. A new discovery brings hope.

So, today I found a site that is worth passing on: (for some reason I couldn't cut and paste it so I will give you the name) treating-bipolar-and-anxiety-without-meds.com

I can't exactly pinpoint what I am getting out of this site or any new research. Maybe finding new ideas gives me new hope. Hope is medicine for the depressed.

May dispsy doodling around depression,
be better than a therapy session!

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

Here I Go...again...

I am in a place I had hoped to avoid... changing medication... back on less meds and trying to add more meds...

The decrease on my mood stabilizer which I mentioned last time did not go well. In only a couple of days I was edgy and anxious in a way that I had not been in a few years and so I decided that was not the right direction.

Back to the psychiatrist. She suggested we add seroquel to the mood stabilizer. Apparently there has been a good success rate with this combination for bipolar. I knew this to be a difficult drug to adjust to. We had tried it once before and I had only lasted four days, I was sure it wasn't for me. She assured me that if I could tough it out, those symptoms of adjustments would pass.

So here I am on day five or six of seroquel. My good friend who is on it assures me that I must give it two whole weeks before I decide that I can't take it. The symptoms aren't really that bad in some ways if I weren't so impatient to feel better. I feel drugged, I feel weak and rubbery and I can't do much, especially see people.

None of this would be so terrible if it weren't for my expectations. I am expecting this drug to make me feel better... not worse! So, the adjustment phase is discouraging. I need to follow my own advice of "Don't give up!"

Without expectations there would be no disappointments. But can we live a life without expectations? Have you ever been told about a situation "now don't get your hopes up". I see why people say that but what is the fun in life if there is no hope?

For those of us who live with depression or any other illness, hope is the friend to cling to. The kind of hope we cling to will determine the kind of disappointment we will have to deal with.

When I hope that I will feel better and never feel awful again, I am disappointed. When I hope that God will give me the strength to face whatever may come, I am not disappointed.

Unfortunately, depression is an illness that cripples our ability to hope. That is one crippling illness! Which is why we need a hope that is outside of the illness, outside of the ability of ourselves or any medical person, outside all the realms of human possibility.

My hope is in Jesus Christ who is the same yesterday, today and forever. When I am not well, I cannot practise my faith the way I normally would, but it is still there, a solid rock, a firm foundation.

I am sharing my latest journey through the maze of psychiatric drugs in the hope that it might help someone out there. I share my faith in that same hope.

May dipsydoodling around depression
be better than a therapy session...

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love

Changing Meds...

It has been awhile since I have posted here. I was finding it 'depressing' writing about depression every day - go figure! Not writing about it has been a nice break. However, I may have something to share that others could find useful and so here I am, back for a bit.

I am going through a meds change. Many who live with depression will have to go through meds changes and it is not a pretty picture. I can't remember how many changes I have made. I seem to be either medication resistant, meaning that some meds make no difference to me at all, or I experience debilitating side-effects. My typical side-effect is a headache, the kind you cannot function with.

And so, here I am. I have been on a mood stabilizer(divalproex) for two or more years. It did what it was supposed to do, it stabilized me, to the point that I hardly recognized myself. Finally I went to the doctor and said 'could you please get me feeling a bit better than this?' So we added an antidepressant, lamictal, just a small dosage, but it made all the difference and I have been enjoying life, most of the time, for about a year.

But...the headaches have returned and so I have gone off of the lamictal. That is a process in itself and I have had to lay low for a couple of weeks. I haven't felt more crazy than usual, just sick, almost flu-like, with a headache that nothing could touch. I am glad I was only on a small amount. Now that I am off of that, I am too level, too low and feel like doing...well...nothing....

My doctor and I have decided that I will try first to gradually decrease the mood stabilizer, since maybe it is making me too stable! And besides, I have lost some weight (20 lbs.!) since I first started and so maybe I can survive on less. Plus I am older, they say that as you get older you need a smaller amount of these things. I have only just made the first decrease today and will wait a week before making any more changes. If I don't start to feel better, or I feel some manic emerging, I may have to add a new med.

The list of new meds I can try is getting shorter and shorter... the list of the ones I have tried and that have failed is longer and longer. All sounds very depressing doesn't it? Why am I even mentioning this? How can this be helpful information for you?

Well... because it reminds me all the more, how all of the information I have shared on my blog about strategies for handling depression, are so important. And so, for me, right now, even though I have to go through some misery for awhile, at least I know that I have done everything else possible, to make my life more managable. There is no stone unturned, nothing left to change, to make things workable for me, within the confines of this illness.

And so I am in waiting mode. Waiting to feel better. Hoping to feel better. Reminding myself that I have been through worse than this and survived.

The added challenge of being bipolar (and I am thankful that I am 'bipolar I' which is milder) is that when you finally get the treatment you need, you say goodbye to part of yourself. You say goodbye to your manic side, the side of you that helped you get things done, the side of you that motivated you, that made you creative, and that made you a fun (sometimes) person to be around. It is a death of sorts. But it is healthier and better for me and for those around me and so I will continue to receive treatment...because the flip-side of manic is deep dark depression and I am quite happy to say goodbye to that side of me!

How about you? How is it going? Depression is like any other life challenges. It is never fixed once and for all. It comes and it goes. We need to be ready and armed for both the good side and the bad side of mental illness. Are you armed?

No pictures and no jokes today. Just writing this was an accomplishment. I will try and post later as I sort this out. Maybe someone else can learn something from what I am going through right now....

Right now I am thankful for a quiet home, a supportive husband, and no expectations on me except for those I choose to put on myself.

Don't give up,
I'm praying for you!
Wendy Love